The Importance of Our Inner Voice

These last few years, I’ve felt called to share my writing & creative outlets in some form or another, and I just never quite decided how I would do that or what that would look like. I’ve thought of starting this blog a million times, but I couldn't get past the concern of what to write about or how I’d get people to read it. Finally, I decided that the perfect time to start won't exist unless I at least try to start writing; It was in deciding to begin that I realized I had a built-up fear around sharing my inner voice and what I write. Turns out I wasn't putting off blogging and sharing it with you all because I didn't have time or didn't know what to write, I could've easily figured it out, it was because I was afraid of whether I could deliver writing I was proud of sharing and that others would enjoy.

Since I was little, writing was one of my most successful forms of self-expression. Writing, drawing & even painting, really any form of capturing my voice on paper brought me joy. These allowed me to share, express & capture my thoughts or emotions in a way that genuinely made me feel understood and seen for who I am internally. They were so much more to me than just words or art, it was me, it was my voice and I took pride in that. It felt so good to have a creative outlet that I was good at that allowed me to build such a strong connection with my inner voice. It wasn't until recently, in the last three years, that I realized that I fell out of touch with that voice inside. I spent a long time feeling unheard, misunderstood and unseen. What originally was my passion began to slowly develop into a headache. As I began to recognize the attention my writing captured, I felt proud and felt strong. Knowing that so many other voices connected with mine, understood me, and valued what I had to share made me feel accomplished and a sense of belonging. However, my expectations for myself began to grow as my audience did. Every time I brought myself to write, I began to criticize myself because of fear of disappointment in the eyes of my growing audience. What I failed to realize was the more heavily I criticized that vibrant & powerful voice inside me, the weaker and dimmer she would become. 

As I consistently judged my voice out of fear of judgement from others, I tried to mold a part of me that just wanted to be heard into being something other than herself. Nothing that I began to share felt authentic to my inner voice anymore. My outlet was no longer a way of sharing & empowering my voice, instead it became a cage built for my voice to produce what would impress or speak to others. The pressure of perfection that I placed on my writing didn't allow for my voice to just express what she wanted to say, anything that I felt would be criticized was removed or altered to be more appealing. It was an endless cycle of telling myself how to be more palatable for an audience. It wasn't until years of molding my voice that I realized the audience that I had built was pointless and of no worth, eventually this audience would fade, just like the power in my writing.

I reached a point in writing career where I met a professor who I held in high regard and I respected their writing skills. The mind, voice and perspective they had, had been formidable, wise, and inspiring. His course were one of the few writing classes I took that made me feel challenged, his curriculum was very different from anything I had ever been a part of and aside from it being one of the most challenging classes I've ever enrolled in, it was one of my favorite courses. I spent hours on the homework from that class and tried so hard to produce my best work always, but there was always something that he would find and constructively criticize. I was so confused until one of the last assignments he graded, he left feedback that said he was really disappointed to see so little of my real voice in almost all of my writing. He explained how my writing contained a lot of what others had to say or share, it was well written & strong writing, but lacked so much of the personality he had seen in me. He then said that he hopes to see more of my personal voice in my next piece and less of what I believe others want to read. I remember being so offended and believing I had put my all into that piece, I spent hours analyzing the concepts I wrote about and believed I was sharing my voice. I had spent so much time trying to appeal to a mass of voices by filtering my personality out of my writing that instead of the authentic voice that was so strong, original and filled with personality, I was sharing a spiritless, mediocre, and mainstream voice in attempts to perfect the image of my writing.

Furthermore, I had marginalized my inner voice in an attempt to capture a different audience than the one she was meant to resonate with. I had traded my authenticity and originality for a false sense of acceptance & recognition. I didn't recognize it at the time, but this behavior or suppression overtime had translated in many ways and areas of my life. My personal relationships, school, work, and even the way I viewed myself. I tried to perfect and mold everything about myself to fit what others expected of me, instead of expressing myself because of a false sense of belonging that I created. I sacrificed something that seems so small in the eyes of my ego seeking community & security that I forgot the importance of my own voice and the freedom & peace of living your life and expressing yourself the way you want brings. It doesn't matter how perfect your words or life may seem, it's temporary if you forget who it is that you're doing it for. Instead of focusing on fitting into a place in the world, value your peace and time by creating your place in this world instead.